Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be great. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of position. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")

And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional place wherever American men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: supply everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be delicate energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Come"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the region"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may even involve:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel where by my PTSD might have switch-down services."

An additional publish Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."